Around 8 years ago, a couple who had been married for more than 15 years went separate ways. The wife, who disagreed with the decision of the husband to marry another lady, chased the husband out from their home and he has never return since. Their marriage turned from a harmonious and loving family in the eyes of their 4 children – suddenly end in a bitter, unforgiving way.
This couple is still legally married till today. The wife asked for a divorce and the husband refused.
The once loving father totally disappears. The bitter mother projected her anger towards the husband thru her children. He was suddenly pictured as someone evil, inconsiderate and irresponsible.
Little did they know that their eldest child, a teenage girl who was then 14 years old and the closest to the father suffered the most. In the eyes of the mother she became matured overnight. She became the ‘man’ of the family. Sacrificing herself early for a paid voluntary work in a factory near home. Taking care of her 3 younger sibling and making sure everything is ok at home.
Deep inside she was suffering tremendously. Bleeding emotionally but instead of crumbled under the emotional turmoil and confusion between love and hatred she ‘swallowed’ everything and putting a brave face. Never again showed her emotion openly. Always smiling and becoming such a nice girl. A gift that the mother, who was suffering emotionally, is blessed with.
(She said to me, she has no choice. Her mother was crying and suffering. She doesn’t want to be her extra burden by crumbling emotionally too.)
8 YEARS AFTER
She was referred to us from maternity ward as a single mother. Her reaction towards her circumstances puzzled everyone. She was so cool to the extent of too cool. Smiling around as if nothing had happen to her. Maintained that there is no man in her life let alone having sex. The only man that she knows is her father and colleague at workplace.
Her social life is almost non existent literally.
She was so difficult to breakdown until we manage to make her speak about her father.
It was a long and painful sorrow unfolded in front of our eyes. The cries were saddening for the one who witnessed it. An 8 years of pain unveiled in front of our eyes. She weeps openly letting her tears rolling down her cheeks. In her trembling voice, she blamed me for making her crying after so many years. I can sense the feel of relief from her cry
Now we know that what happen to her is actually the product of pain that she suffer from the bitter separation of her parents and how bad she missed her father.
Without her telling us who is the man who fathered her child, we know already the profile of the man and why she became so protective of him.
Divorce and separation happens. It is normal.
But if the break up is not being settled properly, the damage that the couple can do to their children can be devastating.
Obviously, forgiveness can be difficult if not impossible, but at least please let it go and leave for the sake of the children. If both of the couple can’t do it on their own, please come to the specialist to help them sort things out.
Click the spoiler below to reveal the profile of the man, and why she is so protective of him.
Dr. Ahmad Rostam Md Zin
Kementerian Kesihatan Malaysia